This anti-bucket list reads more like a collection of FML stories

We all have some deed in our lives that we ultimately regret. Sometimes it’s love-related, maybe even alcohol-induced. Many of life’s worst moments can be blamed on our youth, but most of the time we know better and go against our better judgement. Whether you knew at the time you were making a mistake, or had to learn an unfortunate lesson the hard way, the story will most likely make a piece of unsolicited, yet informative advice. 

This Ask Reddit thread posed the question, “What is something you’ll never do (again)?” We can all store these little tidbits in our brain banks for later.

1. SoapSudGaming is keeping both feet forward. 

I once ran backwards to see how fast I could go. I learned two things.

  1. I can run backwards pretty fast.
  2. Breaking your arm in 2 places is not fun.

2. Ladybugsrred would rather watch NYE from the comfort of home.  

Try to go to the ball drop in times square new years, like an hour beforehand and no plan b.

Road blocks, hearded around like cattle with hundreds of other people. Feeling claustrophobia kick in after an hr of being in the middle of a massive wave of strangers. Not getting anywhere near time square and celebrating new years trying not to have a panic attack. Feeling frost bite on my hands. I deserved all of it lol

3. BridgetteBane isn’t a huge jell-o fan anymore. 

Pickle Jello Shots. Ever hear of a pickle back? You do a shot of whiskey and then a shot of pickle juice. Amazingly, the pickle juice neutralizes the burn of the whisky. For a picnic my friends were having, I’d thought I’d escalate the experience by making pickle jello. Literally pickle juice and knox gelatin and water.

So we do the shot of whiskey and follow with a carefully chosen square of pickle jello.

Reactions ranged from “oh that’s gross” to “hey that’s oddly satisfying” to… mine. I didn’t get a full bite, the minute my mouth closed around it, my body decided to violently reject it. I spat it out and dry heaved a couple times. My friends were laughing their ass off, since it was my idea. I kept belching as my stomach spasmed. It was like a pickle shot a nasty load of cum in my mouth. It was SO salty and SO brine-y and my entire body couldn’t handle it. My stomach was doing flips hours later. Even just thinking about it is turning my stomach.

Don’t… don’t do this.

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4. chrisflynn85 was charmed by Bill Fucking Murray. 

Going to Groundhogs Day in Punxsutawney, PA. It’s cold, miserable, and usually muddy from snow. Nothing like the Bill Murray movie. Also once it’s over you wait 3 hours to be bused out. Crossed it off and never again!

5. Ooof, gandalfthescienceguy.

Compliment someone on their Captain America shirt when it was in fact the Puerto Rican flag

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6. It’s not worth the overtime, ILL_DO_THE_FINGERING!

Work retail on Black Friday.

7. llcucf80 would not agree that “Pain is beauty.” 

Wax. I hated my chest hair, so I decided one time to get an at-home waxing kit.

Oh boy, that hurt so bad. It had me, a grown man, in tears rolling on the floor ripping those hairs off my chest.

You know what? Honestly, chest hair isn’t so bad anymore, now that I think of it.

8. That’s gonna be a big ol “DUH” from us, thatskyguy

Tried masturbating with icy hot, because it’d be like the altoid mint blowjob thing, right?

No. No that is not what it is like.

9. There’s plenty of more respectful fish in the sea, gt35r?

Date a girl who cheated with me before getting with me, thinking they would be different while dating me, funny joke.

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10. 16chapel will ride at his/her own pace, thankuverymuch. 

Spin class. I like cycling, I’m in decent shape, I have weekly gym sessions and I even like most dance music.

But I will be fucked with a cactus before I take another spin class. Having terrible dance music played at distorting volume while an annoying asshole shouts directions at me, while I pedal away fruitlessly… fuck that.

11. YIKES, theshoegazer!  

Tooth extraction without sedation. The $200 for the gas is the best money I’ve ever spent.

12. After watching The Descent, you can count us out, Scrappy_Larue

Go cave exploring. It’s too dangerous, in the last place you’d want to get hurt.
Tight squeezes, huge drop-offs. If you should lose your lights, you’re entombed.

13. Preach, dopkick.

Go to a music festival without sunscreen.

I went to a one day thing without sunscreen. Normally I’m pretty good about liberally applying plenty of sunscreen. It slipped my mind for whatever reason. The next day I looked like a tangerine. A few days later, when I started a week long class, my face basically started to fall off in coin sized flakes much to the horror of those sitting to the sides of me. No better way to say hello to someone than to share a quarter sized flake of your dead face skin.

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14. Gonna go ahead and keep this one off the ol passport, bustead

Going to North Korea.

Tried once. Escaped alive but would not want another run.

15. f1nk has some stories to tell. 

Party with a bunch of cops.

I am not sure how I survived that, but I know why we weren’t arrested.

16. It’s never worth whatever “free” bait they toss you, crownappples

Attend a timeshare ” meeting”. Got suckered into it once in Vegas. Ended up wasting half a day.

17. We’ve all been there, tulipgem

Agree to move in together with an unemployed boyfriend. sighs oh, early twenties….

18. saxophonistspace is keeping things platonic. 

Date my best friend. It sounds good in theory, but it sucks if it ends.

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19. dr-rocoto isn’t a fan of those “26.2” stickers.

A marathon. Wrecked both knees and a lot of t-shirts because of the bleeding nipples. Apparently it’s also bad for your heart. Never again.

20. Goldeneyee isn’t into yard work. 

My biggest regret actually happened yesterday: Cleaning the backyard.

Let me explain. We have an apple tree in our backyard that doesn’t really have good quality fruit; think slightly better than your average crab apple. At around this point of year, most of the apples have fallen off the tree and have began to ferment.

I was tasked with gathering these apples to throw them away to avoid the stink. HOWEVER. Dear Lord I have seen me enough wasps to last a lifetime.

I’m not talking about like 1, 2 or 3. No, I’m talking about 8-9 wasps feeding on every 5th rotting apple. Dear Lord almighty it took everything I had to stay there and finish the job. What I’d do was flip the rotting apple they were sitting on and crush it into the ground. However these Satans of nature wouldn’t die like regular insects and began to crawl out from underneath it.

So I did what any rational human would do in this situation. Grab a nearby healthy apple and play whack a mole with these idiots, mama didn’t raise no quitter.

What started off as a favour to my mother ended with me killing about 200 wasps in the span of the hour. I have been through hell and back. I filled 2 large bags with apples intermingled with the corpses of these wasps and then calmly told my mother that I was going to go take a shower.

TLDR: Promised to clean backyard, ended up committing small scale genocide with wasps.

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