People are confessing which illegal acts they’re unreasonably good at, and now I feel like I need to watch my back

You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t broken the law on at least one occasion (jaywalkers, I’m lookin’ at you). But what happens when breaking the law crosses from an accidental slip to a repeatedly-honed skill?

A recent AskReddit thread posed the question, “What Illegal thing are you really good at?” to the Reddit community, and the responses were all too happy to answer this query. The comments totally blew up with people divulging their most illicit skills — and, honestly, I’m kind of impressed. However, I’m also a little paranoid now, and feel like I probably shouldn’t trust anyone anymore, since we’re all secretly depraved criminals, apparently.

Here are some of the highlights:

Locked doors are no match for Ralphus999:

Carding doors. I can get into most doors without a deadbolt in a matter of seconds. I’ve never used this skill to commit a crime, but I’ve used it on my own house or a friend’s when the keys got locked inside. People are always amazed at how easy it is, use your deadbolts!

boogiemange is a Photoshop master:

I used to counterfeit documents in college. Mainly just school memos, parking permits, media passes, that type of thing, nothing crazy. At first it was just for a buddy, then a few people, then I started using my products myself. The trick is in the confidence, I was always good with words, but that stuff made me so much better at selling a lie. I haven’t messed with making fake docs in a while, but it led me to a new illegal skill: gaining entry into concerts and sporting events without tickets.

nonoohgodno doesn’t force herself to “hold it” anymore:

Discreet public urination in moments of absolute, blind necessity.

I’m a woman.

liquorlanche doesn’t let pesky memberships get in the way of leg day:

Using gyms, without a membership. Whenever I’m away from home and still wanna work out, I jog to whatever gym so I’m nice and sweaty and just kinda stroll past the front desk, while pointing towards the back and making a facial expression like “Eeeh?” They just smile and wave me through.

b8le can’t quit the balloon habit:

Stealing balloons

I just really love balloons and I’m really good at getting them covertly.

Can’t help myself.

mynamesnotmolly has a hard time keeping her hands to herself:

Pickpocketing. I didn’t learn how to do it on purpose, and I’ve never done it to steal. I’m just really good at taking things out of people’s pockets without them noticing. I’m also really good at putting things into people’s pockets.

I used to do this to my now-husband out of convenience. Most women’s clothes don’t have pockets, so sometimes I’d just stick something in his pocket if I didn’t want to hold it anymore. If I needed it back, I just took it back out. It seemed more practical than constantly asking for him to hold things and then give them back. He figured it out a few months in when he reached into his pocket and found my stuff. He was a little freaked out and told me to just ask him from then on, so that was kind of the end of my pickpocket career.

MadLintElf is one of those accidental law-breakers:

Shoplifting, but it’s not like I intentionally do it.

I’ll be at my local deli talking to the owners at the counter, buy a few lotto tickets and just BS’ing and start playing with a lighter or a pack of mints.

Walk out of the deli and stick my hand in my pocket and oops I should have put it back.

I always return or pay for what I took, it’s a running joke with the guys for the last few years, they still can’t catch me in the act.

Grand Theft Auto wasn’t just a video game for PoweRaider:

My skills are limited to pre90s models…but I was a really good car thief once upon a time. I can drive off in an older porsche, Benz, BMW, or jaguar almost as quickly without keys as I can with them.

PolishTea, however, is easily the wildest of them all:

Using the self checkout lane to buy organic fruits and vegetables at non-organic prices.

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