Number one, why these shits so hard to open? Number two, they loud as hell. Whole fuckin country know you tryna get a piece of cake pic.twitter.com/EBRgsUMzHW
— miss thang 🌹 (@AsiaAtItAgain) December 11, 2017
if your zodiac sign is asparagus dont even bother being my friend because im a caprisun and we are not compatible
— Jordan (@JORDANBENNlNG) December 23, 2017
Damn I never realize how bad my potty mouth gets at school until I'm home for the holidays and I accidentally tell my gram to pass the fucking potatoes
— Andee (@andeee_o) December 23, 2017
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) December 25, 2017
Friend 1: "Where's the best place to stand during an earthquake?"
Friend 2: "A doorway, a car, under the bed?"
Me, an intellectual: pic.twitter.com/NHe3KwoXOt
— Parker (@panoparker) December 14, 2017
cool guys don’t look at explosions pic.twitter.com/yxWS6OS1RQ
— coyote bongwater (@livercake) December 19, 2017
Does Jesus know he was born during Toyotathon
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) December 18, 2017
“Per my last e-mail” is office speak for “bitch can you read”
— Cookie🍪 (@OhEmmeG) December 21, 2017
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and experience parties and everything!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store. i got a mango for 39¢
— porg (@EFFLORESCENE) December 31, 2017
today we asked my three year old cousin how much he weighs and he said, "uhhh, like fifty squirrels"
— keera (@keera_w) December 24, 2017
Saw this at the staff holiday party and walked out. pic.twitter.com/CTiwSuqZu6
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) December 19, 2017
I still think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/J7ckeGEQNV
— Ruthanne Reid (@RuthanneReid) December 4, 2017
when you run into an old friend and y’all have been riding two different waves but the love’s still there pic.twitter.com/cgwizjRhYy
— a walking study in demonology (@KasaiREX) December 6, 2017
I just learned that elephants think humans are cute the way humans think puppies are cute (the same part of the brain lights up when they see us) so pack it in, nothing else this pure and good is happening today.
— Julia (@JuliaHass) December 20, 2017
My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.
I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.
— Smoothie Bae (@CoachPSays) December 31, 2017
2nd grade girl sleepover:
"shhh okay let's actually go to sleep"
*quiet for a minute*
the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*
*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*
that one girl: "guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow"
— hannah-grace (@itsmehgd) December 31, 2017
16 y/o me on NYE:
*talking to friends*
ughhh cant wait till Im older & have my own car xD ill be able to party with no curfew :3
20 y/o me on NYE:
*talking to dogs*
honestly idk why these fucking assholes are lighting fireworks at 7pm either. don't be scared baby
— Alythuh Art (@Alythuh) December 31, 2017
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) December 31, 2017
Hope everyone is ready for about 3 months of this bullshit pic.twitter.com/OWuOP1IE0l
— Dr Grayfang (@DrGrayfang) December 27, 2017
Earlier today I went to a girl's highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other's hair so she gets up and says "I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair" not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted
— Ricky Corona (@RickyCoronaa) December 30, 2017
So they changed my gate in my layover and I ask the employee what the gate changed too. I showed her my screenshotted ticket and she looked at me strange and just ask me where I was going. I told her and then looked at my phone to realize I was actually showing her this pic.twitter.com/ZvfqV4p4yn
— Jordan ☀👀 (@TheRavenousDyke) December 29, 2017
i know i ain’t the only girl that be doing my makeup in front of my vanity like, “hi guys so today we’re gonna start with my favorite foundation”
— ㅤㅤboo (@sh6wty) December 26, 2017
We’re 2 years away from the roaring 20’s and if you think I’m not gonna party like Gatsby from 2020-2029 then you’re absolutely wrong old sport.
— kellie. (@k_zookk) December 27, 2017
1) Package has left facility
2) We have no fucking idea
3) Package delivered
— speedius (@speedius) December 20, 2016
im at Disney and this mother just told her son “this is the happiest place on earth, don’t make me slap you”
— hillary kolawole (@htk_____) December 25, 2017
It is the period between Christmas and New year. No one knows what day it is. Time doesn't really exist. Can we start drinking at 10am? Why not. Existence is a confusion.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) December 26, 2017
when you’re listening to someone speak and you can feel yourself dissociating pic.twitter.com/j7psOkayHb
— 𝖈𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖘 (@ChelsUnderwood_) December 24, 2017
left: I’m just a porg boy nobody loves me
Right: HE’S JUST A PORG BOY FROM A PORG FAMILY SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY pic.twitter.com/SSfV0QvUk3
— ✨ britt ✨ (@supbruss) December 21, 2017
— Chaz Smith (@SimplyPutChaz) December 19, 2017
No more putting “lol” at the end of my statements in 2k18. I said what I said.
— Kendra (@xKayy_Jolie) December 23, 2017