15 people on what happens during real-life sex that never happens in porn

While porn might be a fantastic learning tool for those looking to spice things up in the bedroom, it’s still a fairly inaccurate representation of the actual sexual experience. I mean, really — every time I order pizza, I’m way more interested in the pizza than I am in the person delivering it. And, generally, when you leave two people alone in a room together, there’s not a huge probability that they’ll start ripping each other’s clothes off.

(But, then again, maybe I’m just not going to the right parties.)

An AskReddit thread recently asked the Reddit community the highly important question: “What happens in real-life sex that you never see in porn?” Naturally, the responses were both hilarious and painfully real:

1. Sneezyowl finds the lack of interruptions in porn to be a tad unrealistic:

Asking if she locked the door, getting down to business then hearing the children ask for you. You yell that you are discussing Christmas presents and they need to go back to watching Disney Jr. 2 minutes later kids are pounding on the door but it’s been days since you and your wife have had any time together so you power through. You progress to an advanced missionary position where you each cover your partners ears as to not hear the kids begging for a snack they could easily get themselves. She is quietly mouthing dirty words to keep you excited yet the children’s cries for Doritos are not only distracting but also making you want Doritos. Neither of you can keep a straight face as the children start asking questions about what’s taking so long.

2. diegojones4 has apparently incurred a few sex injuries:

The accidental elbow to the head when changing positions.

3. _LightlyToasted_ thinks you shouldn’t forget the obligatory bathroom visits:

foreplay ensues

“Oh one sec I just have to pee first”

Cheers babe I’ll wait, my fleeting erection will keep me company

4. opus_4_vp thinks that people really don’t see enough of the unsexy hair-pulling:

Putting my hand on the pillow next to her head for stability and her yelling for me to Get Off Her Hair!

5. 0xD153A53 never sees any accidental genital injuries in porn:

When she’s riding me, comes slightly disconnected on the upstroke, but momentum and gravity kick in as she mashes her pubic bone into my dong, snapping it in half and we both retreat to opposing corners of the bed cradling our respective genitalia.

6. WhatTheChef notices that there’s always the absence of a certain, post-coital question:

asking the woman if they came 

7. Doctor-Van-Nostrand thinks porn stars should stay more hydrated:

Stopping in the middle to chug some water

8. There are so many things in Renmauzuo’s sex life that don’t happen in porn:

Clean up. Farts. The dog walking in and staring at you. Getting a cramp in your leg and needing to stop.

9. picksandchooses never sees the reluctant quickie on PornHub:

She pulls one leg out of her ratty flannel pajamas and says “Okay, but just hurry up. I have a busy day at work tomorrow.”

10. SuzieQ4u notices that cleanup never seems to be an issue in porn:

That post cum waddle to the bathroom lol

11. bangbangracer thinks not being interrupted by the pet cat is slightly unrealistic:

The unblinking eyes of the cat.

12. Hatcheling finds the lack of bodily noises to be a misrepresentation:

Bellyfarts from sweat and vacuum, when your bodies are pressed together. Cramping. Queefs.

13. MobileTechGuy honestly thinks the silent porn beds are totally weird:

Squeaky bed springs

14. sweetcamberbro thinks that getting, um, “too excited” is the most obvious disparity:

Premature ejaculation

15. Fauxlicious notices that these certain words never cross a porn actor’s lips:

Nobody ever says “Sorry but not tonight, I had Taco Bell.”

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