With the Fourth of July weekend well upon us, it is time that we take a step back and analyze those societal constructs that we could do without. Like our forefathers, we must free ourselves from the stuff that is super-annoying and/or obnoxious, and strive for a more awesome life!
Here are just a few things that we, as a society, should probably declare independence from — like, ASAP.
1. YouTube Comments
Also known as the only thing that makes me question the First Amendment. Somehow, the comments below YouTube videos have become a breeding ground for garbage people/Reddit trolls/confused grandmas. It’s a strange and putrid combination, and we must collectively put our foot down and say “WE DESERVE BETTER.” Or better yet, we should all just agree to not look at them and pretend they don’t exist. And yes, I do realize that complaining about YouTube comments makes me sounds Internet illiterate, and I’m fine with this.
2. The Term “Mommy Blogger”
I know it’s accurate, but can we maybe just agree to stop using it? Can we just say “blogger” and leave it at that?
3. Deadly Fast Food Creations
Okay, I get it: you’re KFC, you’re bored with fried chicken, so you decide to create the abominable “Chizza,” which is literally a piece of chicken covered in pizza toppings. I understand how such a thing might seem like a good idea when you’re stoned and hungry. But this is the sort of culinary catastrophe that should never emerge from any self-respecting marketing meeting. Burger King, I’m also lookin’ at you, with your despicable Black Whopper. And don’t think you’re getting away either, Pizza Hut — I remember the infamous Hot Dog Pizza. Let us rid ourselves of these unnecessary and offensive food distractions and just go back to hoovering calories the old-fashioned way, shall we?
People have places to be, y’all. Either move your strolling to the innermost corners of the sidewalk or just GTFO. And if you just come to a dead stop in the middle of foot traffic? I’m sorry, but you will officially be voted off the island.
This is the most unfortunate term, as the phrase “Ghosting” should refer to floating, spooking, and generally behaving in an awesome, ghost-like manner. Instead, it gets tacked on to careless partners who are too fearful of confrontation to break up with someone, and instead choose to disappear entirely, like a cloud of noxious gas. As a society, we should absolutely declare our independence from such a terrible social practice (which is probably also offensive to actual ghosts). If you want to break up with someone, grow a pair and do it in-person.
6. Fad Diets
Paleo, Keto, Marco, Polo … These diets are four-letter words, and should be treated as such. While getting in shape and living your best life is obviously a commendable endeavor, there is no need to engage in a program that is both obnoxious and impossible. Let us free ourselves from the seductive fanaticism of fad diets and put that energy into something (literally anything) else, like … oh, I don’t know. World peace, probably?
7. (Most) Sequels
I must emphasize the word MOST here, because there is no way I’m going on record as bad-mouthing The Godfather Part II/Toy Story 2/Magic Mike XXL. However, enough with multiple iterations, already. The same goes for remakes — there was ALREADY a Tarzan, and it involved PHIL COLLINS. No need to top that one! Sometimes, you simply do not need a second helping of something.
8. Politically-Enraged Facebook Posts
I’m just going to say this: do not engage, do not engage, do not engage. Your uncle posts something racist/homophobic and mentions that he’s voting for Donald Trump? Do not engage. Your cousin will literally not stop posting about how much he needs to own 12 guns? Do not engage. Your family friend is pissed that she wasn’t elected President of her local Daughter of the American Revolution chapter? Do not engage. Simple, elegant and effective.
They will literally explode beneath you. You deserve better, America.
The appeal of these yellow, possibly-racist Tic-Tacs is lost on me, and I think we have collectively had enough. Like, it was fun while it lasted, but it’s time to move on to a new animated obsession — preferably one with a less-enthusiastic marketing campaign.
11. Screaming Children On Airplanes
There is really no solution to this one, but I’d just really like to imagine a world where it might not exist.
No go forth, fellow patriots, and make America Not-Annoying
Again (For The First Time)!