Hook, one of the most iconic and quotable movies of our childhood, turns the ripe old age of 25 this year — and, unlike most 25-year-olds, it is aging remarkably well, and has successfully avoided any quarter-life crises. The Lost Boys from the movie even gathered together this week for a 25-year reunion and photoshoot!
Though Hook firmly stands the test of time, however, there are still a few questions I still have concerning certain plot points in the film.
In honor of this beloved movie reaching the quarter-century mark, I decided to delve into these (highly scientific) queries which are left open-ended by the film. While such an undertaking is certainly formidable (it’s hard to criticize a movie that is actually, you know, good), I’ve come up with a few inquiries that I need to discuss with everybody:
1. How does time even work in this world?
Look, I understand that time is altered in Neverland, and its inhabitants never grow old. But even if Peter only started to age after he fell in love with Wendy’s granddaughter … wouldn’t Wendy be dead by the time Peter was older and married with kids? Like, definitely, without question, dead? I dunno, y’all. I learned a long time ago to not ask questions about the timeline of this movie, but I’m still somewhat skeptical.
But also: Maggie Smith will never die.
2. So, falling in love gives you amnesia??
Peter gives Moira and ACTUAL kiss, decides to leave his life in Neverland, and … automatically forgets his former life as an impish, magical being? I understand that the movie uses this as the main narrative device for explaining how Peter has become adult and “forgotten his inner child” — but does it really count as forgetting if your memory is LITERALLY WIPED CLEAN?
3. What does that colorful Play-Doh stuff taste like??
This query really bothered me as a child. There are mountains of delicious food which automatically appear, but none of the dishes were as compelling as the multicolored paste which is used to initiate the iconic food fight. Is it colorful mashed potatoes? Perhaps an usual polenta? Maybe it’s literally just mounds of uncooked birthday cake batter?
And no, I do not accept the explanation that “it tastes however you want it to taste, because it’s not real,” so don’t even try to pull that question-dodging shit with me.
4. How long did it take Rufio to do his hair every morning?
I mean, just take a moment to feast your eyes upon this mane of hair. Any woman who has been camping will assure you that such volume and precision does not occur naturally without the help of some styling products. And that’s not to mention the hair dye itself, which is surely time-consuming.
I’m just saying: Rufio presented himself very well, and I can’t help but wonder if any of the other Lost Boys gave him shit about it, that’s all.
5. But seriously, who built the Lost Boys’ village?
This place is an astounding architectural feat, and I have a hard time believing it was constructed by children — I don’t care how advanced their Lego skills may have been. Who designed this place? And, most importantly, who decided “We absolutely need a skateboarding ramp so we can make dope entrances”?
6. Did Captain Hook seriously almost commit suicide?
Okay, guys, this is a FAMILY MOVIE. No need to have the film’s (fairly lighthearted) villain holding a gun to his head and begging his assistant to stop him. That is uncharacteristically dark and also just too real.
7. Does Gwyneth Paltrow remember that she’s in this movie?
Does she ever just look up from Gooping (???) and suddenly realize “Oh, yeah, I was in Hook“? Does she pause in the middle of her cupping appointment to remind herself that she participated in one of the most-beloved family movies of the 20th century?
Probably not, but maybe!
8. What is up with the unrequited Tinkerbell love story?
I mean, I guess I understand what happened (Tink pined away for Peter lo these many years), but I just don’t understand why it was included in the movie. Was the movie running short, and in need of a filler scene? Was it simply there to serve as some sort of character development for the featured fairy? Or were the producers like, “We have Julia Roberts, we need at least one scene where she grows to human-size and tries to seduce someone”?
9. Um, Rufio was stabbed by a full-grown adult??
This isn’t so much as question as it is I-can’t-believe-the-studio-let-them-get-away-with-that-shit disbelief. Like, how is it even fair to have a minor (regardless of how dope their hairstyle is) fight an adult man and then get fatally wounded? I mean, sure, it justifies Captain Hook’s ultimate demise, but sheesh! I thought this was a family movie! *Clutches pearls*
10. WTF happened with that stuffed crocodile?
The implication seems to be that the croc somehow sensed that Captain Hook was being a miserable old coot, and sprang to life, swallowing the mustachioed antagonist whole.
But, honestly … I’m pretty sure it just fell down? Which, don’t get me wrong, is super effective in terms of killing a villainous character. But like, clearly that thing was a huge safety hazard and a lawsuit waiting to happen.
11. How much did they have to pay Dustin Hoffman to dress up like that?
I mean, that is true artistic commitment, right there. I think he actually wore less makeup in Tootsie.