The only time I've related to an Olympic athlete was when the commentator said the balance beam is about the width of a mobile phone.
— Emily Clouse (@emilyfclouse) August 9, 2016
I would legitimately feel better if Donald Duck ran the country because also fuck pants
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) August 9, 2016
I don't feel like we're talking enough about how gross possums are.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) August 10, 2016
For sale: baby shoes, never worn, bought them from far away and thought they'd be bigger when I got close.
— Roz Zombie (@HalleKiefer) August 8, 2016
I hate to eat and run so I'll just eat
— Katina Corrao (@KatinaCorrao) August 10, 2016
The problem with quitting sugar is now I can hear everyone breathing real loud
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 10, 2016
The bag of tortillas I bought was only supposed to contain 10 tortillas but there's 11 of them, is this what it feels like to be a princess
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 9, 2016
Hey if you lost you perfume I found it its on the girl who just got in my uber pool she's wearing all of it ok thanks
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) August 11, 2016
Don't judge me til you've walked half a city block in my sensible wedges.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) August 11, 2016
The most envious of all sea creatures is the jellyfish.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 12, 2016
Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 10, 2016
People say Disney movies aren't realistic, but they obviously haven't seen me share spaghetti with my dog.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) August 10, 2016
Aaaaaand one token dude
me: yo what's the wifi password here
friend: dude we're at my grandmas funeral
me: ok so is that all one word
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) August 11, 2016