A Definitive Ranking Of The Sexiest Men’s Olympic Uniforms

The Olympics are about patriotism, national pride, and athletic excellence. But, more importantly, they also about celebrating the grand tradition of international eye candy.

In honor of this indisputable truth, I have compiled a highly scientific (read: extremely opinionated and subjective) list of the most attractive uniforms in men’s Olympic events, and ranked them according to their overall animal magnetism. Which uniforms display the most muscles? Which uniforms cling to right places? Which are, most importantly, barely there at all?

These are the questions I endeavored to answer in my rankings. It wasn’t an easy job, but SOMEBODY had to do it.

Without further ado, I give you the results of this year’s Sexiest Men’s Olympic Uniforms Competition:

Related-ish: 36 Olympics Bulges That Win The Gold Medal Of Our Lust


16th Place: BMX

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They earn badass points due purely to the fact that they’re competing in BMX racing, but frankly, this uniform is too bulky to be considered sexy. From a purely artistic standpoint it’s not bad, though.

15th Place: Table Tennis

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Polo shirts haven’t been sexy since the ’80s, and even then I’m pretty sure it was kind of a dicey issue.

14th Place: Badminton

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I appreciate the muscle tee-style top, but that’s really all this uniform has going for it — even about this outfit says “milquetoast.”

13th Place: Tennis

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Excellent short-shorts on display in this event. Unfortunately, they’re counteracted by goofy armbands, sweatbands, and decidedly over-white socks.

12th Place: Beach Volleyball

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I will give a round of applause to this (relatively) deep V-neck, but the uniform’s silhouette is just a tad too baggy for my taste.

11th Place: Boxing

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Oh man, these tank tops do a truly admirable job of showcasing those biceps. Unfortunately, high-waisted shorts are this unform’s downfall.

10th Place: Soccer

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One of the few sports where the socks actually make the uniform sexier, somehow? Plus, those shorts are clinging in all the right places.

9th Place: Basketball

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Once again: points for tank tops, NO POINTS FOR BAGGINESS.

8th Place: Cycling

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Yes, this outfit has long sleeves, but MY GOODNESS does it accentuate the wonders of the male form. Truly first-rate bulge display.

7th Place: Judo

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The uniforms are loose-fitting, but they’re like, barely hanging on. Just look at how they’re coming undone! One swift move and these uniforms could be OFF. *Fans self lightly*

6th Place: Track and Field

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Lovin’ those tight shorts, but this outfit just isn’t really cutting it for me. Can’t be mad about the butts, though.

5th Place: Gymnastics

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The pants + sock feet combo may be a tad silly, but they’re is some serious man-candy on display here. That tank, those tight pants … they would be mesmerizing even if they weren’t performing incredible feats of human strength and agility.

4th Place: Wrestling

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I mean … yeah. ‘Nuff said.

Bronze: Swimming

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You probably assumed this sport would take the gold in our thirst-trap competition. And I can understand why you would assume such a thing.

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The bulges, the muscles, the butts. There is definitely a lot of beneficial stuff going on here.

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But, you know what? Long shorts aren’t gonna cut it for me. NEXT.

Silver: Water Polo

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SO CLOSE to winning gold, this sport was penalized for the ridiculous headgear.Other than that, they would’ve had the prize in the bag.

Gold: Diving

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I mean. WOW. Like … I know this is barely considered a uniform, but, Diving wins the gold medal. They win all the medals. GIVE THEM MEDALS.

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Ugh! Stop it! What are you doing to me??

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I can’t. I’m done.

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Diving uniforms WIN. And honestly? So do the rest of us. Because we are lucky enough to witness such majesty.

Related-ish: Olympic Divers Covered In Accidental Censor Bars Are Giving Us Lady Boners

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