1. Katy Perry
Not one to be overshadowed by the enormous shadow Orlando Bloom’s penis cast during a paddleboarding session in Italy, Katy Perry uploaded an IG picture featuring her on a bike, ass cheeks out, cleverly captioned “I know it’s a little cheeky, butt…” HIYOOO! Two ass puns in a seven-word stretch! Like, yeah, we get it you guys. You are a rich couple with genitals and you want the world to know, but maybe use your fame to further important causes like pressuring Frank Ocean to release his new album or figuring out who convinced Ryan Lochte t0 bleach his goddamn hair, yeah?
2. Donald Trump
This week in “Presidential Candidate Donald Trump Says Abominable, Illegal Thing Yet Still Somehow Remains In The Running For POTUS” we’ve got several topics to cover;
Last Tuesday, Mr. Trump called for his rabid, gun-wielding fans to assassinate Hillary Clinton. Let me repeat: The Republican presidential nominee called for the assassination of his political opponent. In talking about how Hillary will most definitely repeal the Second Amendment, (Trump’s never read the Constitution, so he wouldn’t know this to be an impossibility) he says, “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do folks.” Then he adds, “Though the Second Amendment folks, maybe there is…”
Two days later, Trump asserted that lover of chill tunes President Barack Obama founded ISIS. As in, the terrorist group that “has its origins in the U.S. invasion of Iraq” y’know, when George Bush was in power. In now-infamous rhetoric, he chanted the remark ad nausea to a brainless mob, supposedly the same demographic that still thinks President Obama is Muslim, despite his regularly mentioning that he is not (not that it would matter if he were.) Trump then added that “crooked” Hillary Clinton is the co-founder of ISIS.
When conservative radio show host Hugh Hewitt gave Trump an out on Thursday, saying he took Trump’s statement to mean that Obama’s administration “created the vacuum, he lost the peace” Trump was like, no, I literally meant Obama founded ISIS, verbatim responding “No, I meant he’s the founder of ISIS. I do.”
3. Whole Foods
It pains me that La Croix sparkling waters took over the entire country last year as though it was half nude art chicks on Instagram who’d discovered this delight of a beverage. It quickly transformed from a 30-year Midwestern staple to a trendy nation-wide movement, appearing all over Etsy in the form of enamel pins, earrings, embroidered hoops, t-shirts, and even goddamn cactus planters.
On one hand, I remind myself to tone down my level of saltiness. There’s nothing in this world I love more than a Pamplemousse LaCroix, and if others can enjoy it too, that’s a pretty great thing I guess. I mean, the meme world has even embraced it, and to me, that’s truly a thing of beauty. On the other hand, the fucking Williamsburg Whole Foods made a fucking La Croix cake using no La Croix, which is precisely where I am choosing to draw the line. We’ve officially reached peak La Croix, and now there’s nowhere to go but down. I don’t know what form that will take, but I blame you, Whole Foods. You are the canary in the coal mine that will be La Croix’s downfall.
4. Martin Shkreli
Just when we were starting to forget about the ‘Pharma bro’ and his largely despicable existence, (remember when he raised the price of HIV meds by 5,500 percent?) he chimed in and gave his nonessential two cents on two issues he has zero qualifications giving two cents on: politics and medical diagnostics. More specifically, he took it upon himself to accuse Hillary Clinton of having Parkinson’s disease.
In an ensuing series of tweets, he confirms his lack of legitimacy while simultaneously asserting it via very sensible second opinion- a beautiful Doctor babe.
Just when you thought you could write him off, he recruits an infallible authority out of left field!
5. Ryan Lochte
For saying “I guess you would say I’d be like the Michael Phelps of swimming if he wasn’t there” in an interview with NBC. WHAT? You can’t say that, you lovable goon! You’re the Ryan Lochte of swimming! It only makes sense to use that analogy when you’re applying it to a separate discipline! It’s Meek Mill saying he’d be the Drake of hip-hop if Drake wasn’t there! It’s irrelevant and downright stupid! I love you, Ryan.