If you’re anything like me, you will take any opportunity to dissect the most minute details of your life and decide what they say about you.
The other day I was sitting in bed drunkenly eating an entire Papa Johns pizza I had ordered in an emotional fury; with crumbs covering my sad body, I realized ‘nope, don’t have my shit together.’ Later on that very same week I asked a friend what they usually order when they’re feeling lazy, to which they replied “this really amazing couscous from the Vegan restaurant next to my house.” I tried to rationalize that I’m just going through it, but the reality is I would have ordered that pizza even if I did know how to pay my bills on time and show up to work in a not-wrinkled shirt.
I’ve compiled a list of take-out options and what they say about your personality because I know I am not alone in this endeavor.
You honestly have too much other shit to deal with to care. You may not have a man to hold you at night, but dammit you have those carbs.
If you’re ordering in food and you’re going with a salad, either you’re extremely health-conscious or one of the most boring people to ever walk this earth. Seriously, look at your life, look at your choices. If you’re going to spend $20+ dollars on a meal, why wouldn’t you ball out? If you’re ordering a salad for delivery, chances are you have your life together in the worst possible sense. As if you have your sock drawer color-coordinating and do things like “meal prep.”
Jimmy Johns/ Any Sandwich Place
You’re practical and always on the go. You need something fast, nutritious, and filling because you have too much on your plate (pun intended!) to deal with complicated meals. Chances are you’re rarely home even on weeknights and truly understand the meaning of hustling. Kudos to you.
You’re a creature of habit, and you’ll be dammed if anyone makes you feel bad for it. You’re most likely a busy young professional or college student and you don’t have time to think about things like MSG or what that chicken is really doing to your intestines. That is fine, though! Chances are you’re going to love every second of it while you chug wine, watch Netflix, and try to forget the crippling exhaustion that is your life.
You’re a refined person who likes the finer things in life. You are stable enough financially to meet the usual $30 dollar order minimum that everyone in the Indian food business got together and decided should be a thing, and you don’t even have to sacrifice buying actual groceries that week for it. Chances are you’re a shining star who realizes that variety is the spice of life.
You’re a wild-card and no one can hold you down! But, you still like to have a clear plan of action. You think variety is the spice of life and chances are you plan on spending the night on the toilet with a really, really good book–meaning you value alone time but have to fight to get it.
You’re probably one of those people who posts their green juice picture to Instagram every morning but you have a dark side and I fucking know about you.
A bottle of wine you “take out” of your local Trader-Joes
Uhm, obviously you’re awesome and you do you at any and all times. Cheers.