While many people are on the fence concerning Anne Hathaway and whether or not we’re collectively allowing her to sit with us, I will freely admit that Hathaway’s first movie, The Princess Diaries, is utterly delightful.
This movie has a makeover story, a love triangle, etiquette lessons — it’s essentially everything an eager tween girl like myself could hope for (I may be in my mid-twenties, but I promise I am still, for all intents and purposes, a tween).
That said, this cinematic gem (I’m not over-exaggerating, YOU’RE OVER-EXAGGERATING) still leaves a few very important questions open-ended. And frankly, we all deserve some answers.
Riddle me this, Princess Diaries:
1. Um, how many paintings does Mia’s mom sell, exactly?
San Francisco is steadily eclipsing New York as the most expensive city in the United States. So, like, living in a refurbished fire station south of Market Street would cost a metric shit-ton of money. Helen Thermopolis must be making A KILLING selling her popped paint-balloon art, or she, like her daughter, is also somehow descended from royalty. Which would make a stellar Lifetime movie, to be honest.
2. Are “Lana,” “Anna” and “Fontana” all fake names, or what?
The popular girls all have rhyming names? How the fuck did this happen? Is their screening process for friendships based purely on linguistics, or did they all legally change their names before taking a blood oath under the full moon? This is a movie about a teenager literally finding out she is a secret princess, and yet THIS IS THE MOST UNREALISTIC PART OF THE MOVIE.
3. Has Mia ever put on pantyhose in her fucking life?
Girl. Come on. Even “awkward girls” know how pantyhose work, and are able to operate them with relative ease (even if there is, admittedly, some frustration involved). Please review the back of the box if you are confused.
4. Why M&M’s on pizza, though?
This detail is breezed over in the movie as though it deserves no explanation whatsoever. “Ya know how it is. M&M’s on pizza.”
UM, NO, I DO NOT KNOW HOW IT IS, THAT IS NOT A THING PEOPLE DO. Like, I can respect life choices that are different from my own, but at least serve me up some justification while you’re at it, y’know?
5. Was this the last great Erik von Detten movie?
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Since this movie came out in 2001, von Detten’s biggest role has been voicing Sid in Toy Story 3. You can tell that this former teen heartthrob is no longer a movie star due to the fact that his IMDb profile begins with the sentence:
Possessing leading man good looks and undeniable charm, Erik von Detten has proven himself to be an actor of unquestionable talent.
What are the odds that he wrote this himself? I’m going to go out on a limb and say “pretty significant.”
Sorry, Erik. Your talent may be not be questionable, but your recent career definitely is.
6. How does no one notice how hot Jeremiah is?
He’s nerdy because … he wears an ugly sweater? And he dyes his hair red? I’m sorry, I fail to see the issue here. This is clearly a beautiful man, and I refuse to pretend that he is otherwise.
7. Did Anne Hathaway basically feel up Mandy Moore for like, thirty seconds?
I know this is supposed to be the big “comeuppance” moment for Lana, but like, can we just take a moment to appreciate how truly weird it is to shove an ice cream cone into someone’s chest and then rub it around? Like, it’s cold, and it’s annoying, but other than that, it feels like an adolescent boy’s cheap ploy to feel up some boobs.
8. How did everyone in America forget how goddamn charming Anne Hathaway is?
Remember the backlash directed at Anne Hathaway following her Oscar win for Les Misérables? After re-watching this movie, I honestly cannot fathom how or why the American public turned on this perfectly acceptable and — dare I say it? — likable actress. Sure, she has a tendency to seem overeager, and that time that she hosted the Oscars with James Franco was a genuine disaster, but at the end of the day, she’s pretty talented. Her portrayal of Mia Thermopolis could have easily veered into cartoonish lunacy, but Anne managed to give the character humanity, grace, and a dash of clumsiness.
SO YES, I AM DEFENDING ANNE HATHAWAY AND I THINK SHE’S A PRETTY GOOD ACTRESS, GET OVER IT.
Related-ish: ‘Princess Diaries 3’ Is Definitely Maybe Happening