ME: Do octopuses have two arms and six legs or four arms and four legs or eight arms or—
WAITER: Questions about the menu, I mean
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) November 13, 2016
Seeing a taxi in a movie is the new seeing a flip phone in a movie
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) November 14, 2016
Just yell out "another drink" if you forget my name. It'll work.
— Kitty (@MsSkarsgaard) November 14, 2016
if the "super" moon is so great why did it need to nickname itself
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 14, 2016
I love my cats so much that sometimes when I'm home I just look at pictures of them instead of at the cats themselves.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) November 14, 2016
I tried something new today, it was terrible would not recommend
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) November 15, 2016
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 15, 2016
I keep trying to distract myself from the world with nice things but the thing that has worked best so far is reading about the Donner Party
— Noelle Stevenson (@Gingerhazing) November 15, 2016
I essentially want to date a self serve frozen yogurt machine that kisses me and calls me babe sometimes
— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) November 15, 2016
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and pour it in the still fresh wounds of your enemies.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 15, 2016
I don't want hold music. I want to be conferenced in with the other people who have been on hold for 30 minutes so we can bitch about this.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 15, 2016
I googled "sad birthday sex" and it recommended reverse cowgirl so they can't see you crying.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 15, 2016
A cool thing to do before you click send is to check your tweet for spelling errors or smug condescension.
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) November 16, 2016
The correct response to a sidewalk psychic asking if you'd like a reading is "You tell me."
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) November 16, 2016
Just saw a yard sale in my neighborhood described as an "outdoor pop up shop" on a flier.
— Emily V Gordon (@emilyvgordon) November 16, 2016
I have literally never felt good about an email I've sent
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) November 16, 2016
Hope there is a screaming baby on this flight so I have someone to relate to
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 17, 2016
A breast lift company just followed me on Instagram. It's good to know my social media accounts so accurately reflect my personal brand.
— Mary Cella (@mary_cella) November 17, 2016
When I tell people I still have an iPhone 4, they laugh like it's the funniest joke I've ever told
— Amber Nelson (@AmberSmelson) November 17, 2016
You can't take anything I say seriously because I also whistle in public while I'm thinking.
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) November 17, 2016
dude: your hair color is fake
me: it matches my interest in this conversation
— Kendra Cunningham (@theotherkendra) November 17, 2016
every time i remember pitbull has his own sirius radio station i'm like man good for you buddy
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 18, 2016
Never forget that on my first day of 8th grade the principal confused me for a substitute teacher.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) November 18, 2016
Aaaannnd one dude…
"Loss of appetite" is my favorite side effect.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) November 14, 2016