It’s the end of the week, so it’s time to unwind, prepare for the weekend, and take a tally of who managed to piss us off/gross us out/offend our delicate sensibilities the most during the past seven days!
It wasn’t an easy task, but here are a few of the contenders:
*Special Note: I have decided to use Donald Trump sparingly in this series. Even though he makes me say “aw, HELL naw” on a regular basis, I’d rather not get repetitive.
1. The State Of Ohio
(Not “a person,” but hear me out.)
On Wednesday, Ohio lawmakers passed a bill which prohibits women from obtaining abortions after the fetal heartbeat can be heard, even in the cases of rape or incest. This usually occurs around six weeks into a pregnancy.
According to BuzzFeed News, the move is astounding as “Many women do not know they are pregnant until they have missed two periods, which can often be around eight weeks. Others may find out before the six-week mark, but might still be unable to get an abortion in time because there are a lack of clinics in Ohio and state laws require women wait 24 hours between an informational appointment about abortion and having the procedure done.”
So, great — even if you are attempting to follow the Ohio rulebook to a T, you could still inevitably miss out on your “window of opportunity” to obtain a safe, legal abortion. And if you are sexually assaulted, and that assault results in an unplanned pregnancy, sorry — no exceptions for you.
Sadly, if Governor John Kasich signs the bill (or does nothing), the law will go into effect early next year.
Come on, Ohio. You’re better than this.
2. Mick Jagger
Yes, okay, Mick Jagger was (is?) the frontman for the Rolling Stones, and that is unassailably cool, but he’s also just kind of a creepy, aging rockstar at this point.
On Thursday, 73-year-old Jagger became a father for the eighth time when his 29-year-old ballerina girlfriend, Melanie Hamrick, gave birth to a boy. Jagger’s other seven children range from 17-45 years old, and his oldest daughter, Jade, has three children of her own and a young grandchild.
So, basically: imagine if your great-grandfather were still alive, and still boning someone less than half his age on a regular basis. That is Mick Jagger these days.
3. Pope Francis
In a recently released document entitled “The Gift Of The Priestly Vocation,” the Vatican states once more, for the cheap seats in the back, that they do no want gay people attempting to enter seminary or join the priesthood.
According to the document, “the Church, while profoundly respecting the persons in question, cannot admit to the seminary or to holy orders those who practice homosexuality, present deep-seated homosexual tendencies or support the so-called ‘gay culture.’”
So, if you are gay, or a gay ally, you are apparently deemed unfit to serve the “holy orders”? Why is that?
Well, funny you should ask!
“Such persons, in fact, find themselves in a situation that gravely hinders them from relating correctly to men and women. One must in no way overlook the negative consequences that can derive from the ordination of persons with deep-seated homosexual tendencies.”
Got it, got it. Homosexual individuals (or those with “homosexual tendencies”) cannot relate to “normal” human beings, i.e., straight people. Is that what you’re saying, Pope Francis? Because that’s definitely what it sounds like.
The cherry on top of this bullshit sundae? Any individuals who have been confused or have dabbled in homosexuality as an “expression of a transitory problem – for example, that of an adolescence not yet superseded” must have overcome their “affliction” at least three years prior to ordination. (Apparently that is the only way to ensure that “the gayness” is effectively gone?)
I’m sorry, but Pope Francis should really stop leaning into this whole “cool Pope” image if he’s going to constantly subvert it by spouting discriminatory garbage like this.
4. Sofia Vergara’s Ex-Fiancé
Nick Loeb, Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé and apparent lunatic, sued Vergara in 2014 for the rights to a pair of frozen embryos (or pre-embryos) which the pair conceived while they were still together. However, when it became clear that the judge was not going to side with him, Loeb decided to take his lawsuit elsewhere — specifically, to Louisiana.
Now, the embryos themselves are suing Vergara. And yes, I promise this is real life.
A “right to live” lawsuit has been filed on behalf of the embryos, since Louisiana has laws which allow embryos to sue other people, apparently! The embryos, which Loeb has creepily named “Emma” and “Isabella,” apparently have a trust fund in their name — and by not being brought to term, Vergara is allegedly denying the embryos their inheritance.
It’s enough to make you pull your hair out.
Fortunately, the couple signed a document when the embryos where created, which states that the embryos cannot be brought to term unless both parents give their consent.
Basically: this isn’t going to happen for you, Loeb. If you desperately want children, then by all means, find a surrogate and have some! But fixating on your famous ex-girlfriend’s fertilized eggs is an exercise in futility — and is making you look increasingly-obsessive to the public eye.
Forget the embryos, how about letting Sofia live?
5. Environmentally-Destructive Humans Everywhere
Great. According to the latest IUCN Red List of Threatened Species, giraffes have officially become a “vulnerable” species.
Thanks to poachers, deforestation, farming, and civil wars, the number of giraffes in the wild has declined 38% since 1985, and the species is inching closer and closer to becoming endangered.
GIRAFFES, guys. One of the TOP TEN ANIMALS OF ALL TIME.
I honestly don’t know anything else to say about this, other than the fact that this is completely unacceptable, and it’s our own damn fault.