These days, the Elf On The Shelf is a major, creepy phenomenon. Stores like Target and Walmart sell elf bath robes and elf rain jackets. You can buy a companion reindeer or St. Bernard. This year, there’s even a kit out with ideas for posing your elf and supplies you might need, like red and white string, tiny elf boots with suction cups on the bottom, and a grappling hook the elf can use to climb stuff.
Moving the elf around for kids to find each morning is cute and all, but what adults really prefer is elf debauchery. It’s fun to take that permanently smiling, cartoonish little doll and make it rob a pretend bank or smoke something naughty or even have a threesome with a Bratz doll and a G.I. Joe. There are photos all over social media of elves making obscene mischief. It’s almost become a holiday tradition unto itself.
Here, 22 of the most creative Elf On The Shelf scenes that are hilariously not G-rated.
1. This elf made a naughty proposition.
When we said we wanted to go for a ride, we meant a sleigh ride, you dirty bastard.
2. This elf was confused about what he’s supposed to do after everyone goes to sleep.
Dammit, Gumdrop, those were the expensive paper towels.
3. An elf has a plastic surgery side hustle.
I feel like he’s definitely practicing without a license.
4. An elf wound down at the local gentleman’s club.
I feel like the kids are going to have lot of questions about this strip club scene.
5. This elf decided to be the world’s worst bartender.
On the bright side, this elf has remarkable control over his stream.
6. This asshole got ahold of the safety scissors.
Do you even realize how much it time it takes to grow your hair out? Of course you don’t. Yours is plastic.
7. Whatever the hell is going on here.
Are those the Coca-Cola bears? And, in front of a poinsetta? These elves just desecrated so many beloved Christmas symbols.
8. This elf who clearly didn’t understand how to consume powdered sugar.
“My nose. It burns.”
9. This elf brought way too many condoms.
There’s no way you have that much stamina, dude, even with an all-candy diet.
10. This elf proved he clearly shouldn’t be behind the wheel.
Those Barbie cars need better airbags.
11. This elf got so blitzed—even though you look at this and are like, “Hey, that’s me, every day at 5:30.”
This elf hates her job just as much as you do.
12. This elf watched too many music videos.
I don’t know about you, but I feel like this elf Kim and Kanye parody was Bound 2 happen eventually.
13. This Fifty Shades Of Grey fan did her best Ana impression.
14. This elf wanted to break the internet.
Clearly Kim Kardashian is an inspiration to this elf. Let’s hope he doesn’t pull another Kim K. and make an elf sex tape.
15. This elf tried to upstage Victoria’s Secret Angels.
Move over, Gigi Hadid. You’ve got competition.
16. This elf left scouting for a life in the director’s chair.
He’s clearly left his job with Santa for a position with the evil queen.
17. This guy’s a party animal.
“No, Santa, of course I’m not drunk.”
18. This elf decided she’s never going back to the workshop.
Christmas magic, indeed.
19. This one became a cold-blooded murderer.
When the Gingerbread Man said, “You can’t catch me,” she obviously took it as a challenge.
20. This elf made some old-fashioned dick pics.
At least we know the Xerox machine isn’t running low on toner—or boner, for that matter.
21. This one took up a side hustle as a strip poker player.
That elf outfit doesn’t even come off. Isn’t that cheating?
22. This elf got her sext on.
This just proves how creepy those damn elves are. No woman ever looks that happy to get a dick pic.