Seems like I can't even sit on a park bench anymore without someone's henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 13, 2017
what do you guys do with YOUR 23 minutes a day when you're not worried that someone is mad at you?
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 16, 2017
A smoothie is just a juice with a "good personality."
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 16, 2017
By now everyone should have picked a spring look. If you haven't chosen a spring look, one will be assigned to you.
— Jessie Not A Guy (@NicCageMatch) March 18, 2016
I work from home and I have a cold, so I called my armchair to let it know I'll be in bed today.
— Shira Danan 🍗 🍺🇺🇸 (@srdanan) March 15, 2017
"Why the hell is there a Pi day and not a pythagorean theorem day?"
-How you jerkwads sounded on International Women's Day.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) March 14, 2017
The average person swallows eight spiders a year. And i've NEVER settled for average (pours burlap sack of spiders down throat)
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 10, 2017
I feel so sad for teens today, never getting to know the sweet satisfaction of slamming down a phone receiver when hanging up on someone.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) March 12, 2017
con: i have a cold
pro: more alone time!!!!!
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) March 15, 2017
Can we just take a moment to acknowledge that "the chicks will cream" is a lyric in Grease lightening.
— Gabi Conti (@ItsGabiConti) March 15, 2017
One plus of not drinking is that if we've met before and I don't remember you, it's solely because you aren't memorable.
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) March 12, 2017
one day i hope to be famous enough to "finally break my silence" on something.
— 💀Maggie Serota 💀 (@maggieserota) March 13, 2017
drunk me: i will develop the netflix for books, ooo imma be rich
sober me: that's a library
— Ziwe (@ziwe) March 10, 2017
[Malia Obama in her dorm room]
Microwave: (Barack's voice) Enjoy your first day at Harvard!
Malia: Dad? Is that you?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 14, 2017
I'm not the Beyoncé of anything, but I'm the Michelle of like 7 things.
— Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) March 17, 2017
I don't count sheep to fall asleep I count drops of vinegar falling on the eyeballs of people I hate
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 16, 2017
When I get upset about body standards for women today I just think, "Hey, if this were the Renaissance, I'd be, well, dead because I'm 33."
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 15, 2017
Why did Cruela need 101 Dalmatians anyway how big a coat did her dumb ass think she needed
— Jae Bearhat (@fussybabybitch) March 15, 2017
I assume people who say 'anyhoo' don't know how to fuck.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) March 12, 2017