You know if you’re a slovenly person. Chances are, an annoyed roommate or a strained loved one has told you, in no uncertain terms, whether or not you’re a messy human. If not, the number of empty takeout boxes next to your bed should confirm the fact.
As someone who personally identifies as a sloppy individual, I am all too aware of the comfortably chaotic lifestyle that accompanies a so-called “messy person.” Clothing organization tends to be more of an abstract concept than a rigid ritual, bathroom counter space varies depending on how much makeup I’ve applied that day, and dirty dishes are considered to be quirky kitchen accessories.
Basically: I am a garbage human, and am fully aware of my tendencies to create a personal pig sty for myself.
Here are some lies that I (along with every other messy girl) perpetually tell myself in order to justify my admittedly terrible person habits:
1. “If I push things under my bed, I cleaned.”
No, “cleaning” is putting things where they belong. What you’re doing is hiding shit. You operate under the assumption that, if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. Ostriches use the exact same logic when they dunk their heads into the ground.
2. “If the dishes aren’t stacked higher than the sink, they don’t exist.”
Again — just because something isn’t directly impeding your ability to move around the apartment, that doesn’t mean it’s clean or where it should be. And let’s be real: those dishes are always stacked higher than the sink. In fact, if those dishes were stacked any higher, they’d probably have to start paying rent.
3. “It’s not weird that I have an entire collection of water glasses on my nightstand.”
Yes. It is weird. I know having half-empty glasses of water all over the place saved everyone in Signs, but that was an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You definitely shouldn’t base your logic on an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
4. “Washing jeans is an urban myth.”
I mean, okay, I really can’t argue with this logic. I mean, yeah — I know that your pants probably should be washed as often as your other clothes. But, barring any terrible spills or stains, is perpetual pants-washing really necessary? Like, they’re sturdy. They’re fine. Let your pants live. Right? (Please note: I am a filthy garbage human who is attempting to justify her garbage habits.)
5. “I have a system.”
Bitch, please. You don’t have a system. You just assume that because every single item of clothing you own is spread all over the floor, you can see them better. The same goes for all of the papers that are littered all over your desk.
6. “Nothing smells.”
Yes. Your kitchen and your refrigerator do smell. You’ve just become so used to the smell of your hovel that you can no longer distinguish between the musk of your old avocados and the odor emanating out of your Glade plugin. Your nose is in straight-up denial and so are you!
7. “I’m just too busy to clean.”
That’s hilarious. By “busy,” you mean “I would truly rather do any number of other grueling tasks aside from physically cleaning my apartment.” And, to be fair, why should you clean your apartment when you could be, oh, I don’t know — rewatching Golden Girls on Hulu? (Not that I have done this exact same thing … *ahem*)
8. “I actually like it this way!”
Pshhhh, no you don’t. You just like to not spending your time cleaning shit! It’s way more fun to sit in a pile of clothing than to actually fold them and put them away.
9. “I totally need all of these things in my purse.”
I know it’s shocking, but having a gaping, cavernous void of random objects to tote around with you is actually not very helpful. In fact, it’s literally making your day more difficult by weighing you down. But cleaning it out would involve choosing your favorite lipstick, and deciding which pack of half-empty gum you prefer, and … life is just full of enough difficult choices as it is.
10.”I’ll pick it up later.”
HAHAH, GOOD ONE, IT’S STAYING THERE FOREVER.