As ladies, we’re multi-faceted creatures, with a complex spectrum of motivations and justifications — which are often described by men as being “crazy” or “irrational.” While this sort of simplified dismissal is a clear attempt to undercut the credibility of a female emotions, it’s also a signifier that many guys do not fully understand or accept the many hats worn by a woman on any given day.
However, if you are a lady, then you fully understand and sympathize with the emotional gymnastics that we perform on a semi-daily basis.
Here are just a few of the alter-egos that lurk inside all women. Some are good, some are bad — but none of them are ugly, because we’re fucking fabulous, obviously.
The Morning Zombie
For reasons related to both lack of sleep and the inexplicable cruelty of the universe, the person we are when we first wake up is an entirely different beast than the one we parade in front of other people. Her hair is matted, her eyes are fused shut with mucus, and she is somehow capable of growling at anyone who talks to her before she has a chance to eat her breakfast and drink her coffee. I call her a Morning Zombie, and though you may call her by another name, you know her well. However, it’s the damnedest thing — once she’s changed clothes and brushed her teeth, she vanishes into thin air, as though she was never there … well, for few hours, anyway. Then she’s replaced with the Afternoon Zombie, who exhibits similar characteristics as soon as the lunchtime lull kicks in.
The Couch Slug
No matter how outgoing or high-energy you may be, the Couch Slug lurks inside all of us, waiting to make an appearance as soon as our schedule slows down enough to allow her out of her shell. You may have mixed feelings on the Couch Slug — for some people, her habit of making us curl up on the couch and binge-watch Netflix is seen as counterproductive. For others, the Couch Slug is a welcome guest, forcing us all to pump the brakes and bust a chill until our energy levels have repleted. She will often slink away when the offer of a hot date is waved under her nose — but don’t worry. She’ll be back, should a breakup occur.
The Frat Bro
Though we may be ladies, we all occasionally have an element of “bro” about us. The Frat Bro is one of the most elusive female alter-egos, because it only emerges when we are truly game for anything and are genuinely down to party. That said, the Frat Bro is not known for their decision-making abilities. The Frat Bro is the one who makes you order everybody a round of shots, even though you barely have enough money for rent. The Frat Bro is the one who tells your brain to stay up until 3 AM, even though you have to be up at 8 AM. The Frat Bro is fun, but let’s be honest — we can only tolerate our inner Frat Bro in small, concentrated doses. You can only endure a weekday hangover so many times …
The Secret Beyoncé
You know exactly what I’m talking about. This alter-ego is summoned from the inner depths of your soul as soon as you put on that dress that makes you feel totally bangin’. She emerges in a puff of glitter as soon as you spritz on that new perfume, or put on those heels that just won’t quit. She comes out to play on every good hair day. She is your inner Secret Beyoncé, and she is the key to walking into any room like you own the place. Not only does she know exactly what she wants, but she also knows how to get it. There is a pretty decent chance that none of us spend enough time tending to our Secret Beyoncé, so work on making her a more frequent presence in your life by surrounding yourself with the people who make you feel luxe as fuck.
The Instagram Detective
This resourceful minx has evolved and emerged thanks to the proliferation of social media. And though she is wily and clever, she should generally be kept in check. The Instagram Detective is the one who gives you that extra nudge to go through your ex-boyfriend’s Instagram photos. She gives you the energy to Facebook stalk all of the girls your boyfriend knows from work and make sure none of them are prettier than you. She is resourceful, but her jealousy is off the charts, and she knows exactly how to get you in trouble. If possible, ward off her presence by activating your inner Secret Beyoncé — because none of your inner insecurities stand a chance against your most fabulous self.
The Sitcom Mom
Sadly, the Sitcom Mom is often misunderstood. She is unfairly characterized as nagging or boring or overly practical. In actuality, our inner Sitcom Mom is the voice of reason amid all of the bullshit. She is the one who finally puts her foot down and forces you to break up with the guy you know is bad news. She is the one responsible for getting your taxes paid on time. She is the one who pencils in the due dates for all of your utility bills. She’s not boring — she’s amazing. And though you may feel self-conscious when she prompts you to leave a party early so you can go home and catch up on sleep, she’s ultimately got your back, and your best interests at heart.
Whenever you’re in a new or uncomfortable situation, you can be sure that your inner Standup will make an appearance. The Standup knows that you’re the smartest person in the room, and they aren’t about to hide your witty repartee from the other guests at the party. Best of all, the Standup acts as a shield for any of your discomfort or insecurities. Feel weird when people start asking you why you’re single? The Standup has a funny comeback for that. Feel a bit awkward when you’re navigating the uneasy waters of a first date? The Standup is there to add some humor and ease the tension. That said, your inner standup also thrives on cynicism, so be careful not to overindulge it — sometimes it’s okay to be vulnerable and not have a joke on hand.
The James Dean Wannabe
You know when you’re at a crowded party and you suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of disgust for the people around you, and excuse yourself to outside on the porch and have a smoke? Yeah, you’ve just awakened your inner James Dean Wannabe. This alter-ego makes himself known whenever you’re feeling misunderstood, or your lone wolf tendencies are starting to come out. The James Dean Wannabe lets us know that it’s okay to brood and be alone. It’s okay to want some space for no reason at all. It’s okay to occasionally sit on the fringes and be in your head. However, the James Dean Wannabe should be indulged carefully — if you allow him to run rampant, he’ll probably make you talk about J.D. Salinger or scoff about how “all movies are the same these days.” He can make you a pretentious asshole, so keep him in check.
The Smelly Hippie
Everyone needs to let out their inner Smelly Hippie now and again. The Smelly Hippie is that little voice that gives you an inexplicable sense of optimism, and encourages you to stop and smell the roses. She tells you that you should just let your hair do its “thing” today, urges you to look on the bright side of things, and reminds you to recycle your shit. She is filled with a childlike sense of wonder, and it’s important to let her out on a semi-regular basis. However, she could also be described as being unreasonably naïve, so maybe don’t let her have the reins 24/7.
The Boss Bitch
Yes, you have an inner Boss Bitch, even if you would characterize yourself as a mild-mannered person. The Boss Bitch comes out whenever it’s time to be assertive and get shit done — and God bless her. She’s the one who pushes you to stand up for yourself and speak your mind, and she’s the one who refuses to settle for less than she’s worth. She’s intelligent, shrewd, and her motivation is unparalleled. In short: she’s the one you can trust with that terrifying job interview or that big audition. She fully capable and she is your biggest ally. So, maybe let her out to stretch her legs a bit more often. Because she usually gets what she wants — and that definitely works in your favor.