I have accepted the fact that many fashion “looks” simply aren’t created with my tastes in mind. There are $400 jeans that come pre-smeared with mud. There are horrible pants made out of clear plastic. There are ridiculously expensive purses that basically resemble glorified IKEA bags.
And yet, I have finally encountered a piece of fashion merchandise that truly makes me drop to my knees and shriek “WHY??” to the heavens.
This is a dress made entirely out of straw hats. Eight strategically-placed straw hats, to be precise.
The “dress,” created by French designer Jacquemus, was released last week, and retails for $3,050.
I know what you’re thinking, and yes — it would probably cost you less money to just buy eight straw hats of varying sizes and sew them together.
When gazing upon this alleged “dress,” I have so many questions:
- Is there any lining? According to the website, there is no lining. Which means you simply have to deal with the sensation of scratchy, unyielding straw on your bare skin all day.
- How are you supposed to sit down? If you finally give in to fatigue and allow yourself to sit on a chair, won’t the hats on the back of the dress become super squished and weird-looking? Or, if they’re especially sturdy hats, won’t your butt get indentation marks? Sitting seems like a total gamble in this dress.
- On what occasion would this dress be appropriate? Are you the burlesque performer at a summer rotary club picnic? Are you a naughty hat vendor? Are you the comic relief character in a 1960s beach movie whose clothes got stolen, and the only thing you have to cover yourself with is a pile of hats? Are you Scarlett O’Hara, but, instead of curtains, your antebellum mansion is full of straw sun hats? If the above possibilities do not apply, then this dress is not for you.
- Oh, also, aren’t hats made for heads? I was under the impression that hats were not made for butts, or arms, or shoulders. But hey, what do I know??
If you see this dress and immediately think “BRILLIANCE,” then I am certainly not here to judge your thinking. If you feel compelled to spend thousands of dollars on this hat-dress, again, I can’t neg your decision. (Although, okay, I would maybe judge you a little bit.)
Personally? I’m of the opinion that sometimes a hat should just be a hat.