Let’s be real, we’ve all called into work (or school) a time or two when we weren’t exactly “sick.” Sometimes you just need a day off, no judgements here. However, when it comes time to call-in to the big boss, some people go the extra mile with their excuses. Instead of just the Ferris Bueller “under the weather” trick, these storytelling masterminds spin a tale of ridiculous bullshit to get themselves out of work.
It’s almost impressive the amount of crap people think their bosses will buy from them. So, we took to Reddit and found the most outlandishly stupid excuses managers have heard from their employees throughout the years. Let’s just say, we should be real concerned about society as a whole if we weren’t already.
1. We really have no idea how to respond to the excuse Ilikewordsgood got from his employee.
When I used to manage a bar/restaurant I had a server call out because “her boyfriend fucked her in the ass so hard the night before that she couldn’t walk properly”. She prefaced this by saying the she knew she was about to provide me with too much information, but she was raised that honesty is always the best policy. After what felt like an hour of silence, all I could say was “ok”.
2. DiamondLightLover‘s employee may want to consult a doctor.
I once had an employee call in because he “woke up in poop”.
There’s no recovering a conversation once those words are uttered.
3. CDC_‘s manager was a badass.
I think this might be relevant, kind of the other side of the coin.
Back in the day when I was working at Cookout I walked in about noon, had to stay till 10PM. I was there, I was working, but I wasn’t happy about it. I was working the grill and my boss comes by and says “Josh, you look unhappy, what’s up?” I chuckled and said “If I’m being perfectly honest, I always watch the Twilight Zone Marathon on New Years day, it’s like a tradition. Just a little bummed, but I’m fine.”
He walked away, went in the back and made a phone call. Comes back over to me, ask for the spatula and says “Go home and watch the Twilight Zone, Dave is coming in, I got this till he gets here.”
I was like “Are you serious right now?” He just smiled and said “I fucking love the Twilight Zone, go enjoy not being a manager.”
Great fucking guy.
4. Maeglom‘s employee had an adorable problem.
I’m not sure if this is best or worst, but he sent a text “my engine has kittens”. Then a picture of a kitten in under his car’s hood. Apparently a cat had had kittens in his car and he had to carefully extract them.
5. Ghost3741 had a RAW enthusiast on his hands.
When I was managing in a fast food restaurant this one guy told me that he NEEDS to go home early! I asked him why and he said because RAW (wrestling) was on tonight then he explained to me who was fighting and then told me the story of why they were fighting using quotes and sound effects. He was 43.
6. ainkor‘s employee had a serious fizzle issue.
About 15 years ago I was running a fast food restaurant and had this lady that worked for me that was a really good employee. She never called out and always did a great job so when she called out, I was really worried.
She called at around 9 am and said she wouldn’t make it in today. The call went about like this:
Employee: “Hey boss, I ain’t coming in to work today” in a nervous voice.
Boss: “Are you ok? You’ve never called in before”
Employee: “Yeah, the doc says I’ll be fine. I was bleeding out of my butt hole last night so I went to the ER. They said I had a fizzle or something like that. I guess I have two assholes now”
Boss: “Umm, feel better and let me know when you can be back”
She healed up and came back to work about a week later and I never could look her without thinking of her saying she had two assholes.
7. _SilkyJohnson has permanent proof of his co-worker’s dumbass.
not a manager just a firefighter in New England, my deputy chief recorded a fellow coworker calling out during the Boston Bruins Playoff run, he called up at 1am completely hammered telling the deputy chief that he couldn’t come in for his shift at 7am because he had “BRUINS FEVER”, he proceeded yell “Its TUUKA TIME and hung up, my deputy chief was beside himself asked no questions and put him out sick.
8. beerandmastiffs‘ employee went full Rasta.
I had a girl who had previously been doing an excellent job not show up one day. The next day she came in and said she had decided to become a Rastafarian and needed to go get dreads.
9. smedynski may need to hire some REAL adults.
Years ago I had someone call in and tell me that they couldn’t come to work this week because they were grounded (they were 25 years old at the time). I told them that this wasn’t an acceptable excuse and that they would be expected to work their scheduled shifts. So he put his mom on the phone and we had a nice long chat. He did live at home and she was grounding him and said if we couldn’t respect her parenting decisions then he quit. I kind of felt bad for the kid.
10. Zoocat‘s employee needed some new drawers.
I once had an employee, an older lady, call to say she had stepped off the bus on the way to work, and then “I shit my drawers.” We didn’t make her come in.
11. Face palms all around for thebarroomhero.
I had an employee tell me he had to go home because he had an abscess on his gum. Curiously I asked if he could show me. He had a fat chaw in his lip and claimed that was the abscess. I literally face palmed.
Another employee said she was ‘car sick’ and couldn’t come in to work. I replied ‘you mean hung over’. She refused and really pushed to miss work. I worked a triple shift because of her. Thanks…Cassie!
12. Fantago had a best and a worst.
Best: “I just bought a monkey and he’s suffering from separation anxiety every time I leave the house” – this person actually followed up the next day with pictures of her monkey.
Worst: “It’s Tuesday, fuck Tuesday”
13. Kudos to FawkesFire13 for helping out a drama queen.
Most horrifying call out I happened to overhear. I’m in our scheduling office and I’m doing some kind of paperwork for a vacation request or something. The phone rings, and one of the schedulers picks up the phone. There is hysterical sobbing and screaming, a lot of “okay. Okay! Calm down! Just take the day off, I’ll cover it. Calm down!” I give the scheduler a weird look. She hangs up the phone. Apparently a girl woke up to her period. Bled all over her new white sheets. Soaked into her mattress, ruined her underwear and pajamas. And to make matters worse she didn’t have any tampons, her car was in the shop and she only had her bike.
I felt terrible for her. I asked who it was, as luck would have it, I knew the girl. Lived in the same apartment complex as me. Drove to the store about 15 minutes later, bought enough pads and tampons, toilet paper and Midol to last her for a whole week and dropped it off. I was a super hero for that day. Felt cool.
14. fizyplankton‘s employee really needed his jams.
My manager told me that at his old store, this new guy called in and was like “guys my iPod broke. Y’all don’t understand. If I have to go without my music, Ima go nuts. Y’all don’t get it. I’m serious. This ain’t funny”. The great thing is, the store we work at fixes cell phones and iPods and the like.
15. bamfurlong had some baby mama drama.
Used to be a manager of a fairly large, very low paying call center. Had one girl who we had just hired call me, in tears, telling me that she had just been stabbed by her baby daddy and wouldn’t be able to come to work. I’m a bit shocked and tell her not to worry about work and to make sure she and her kid get stuff figured out.
Two days later she shows up at work and is showing off her “stab wound”. Turns out she had just gone out drinking and somehow cut her lower abdomen (lot of square footage there, could have been anything) and decided to turn lemons into lemonade.
I got lied to all the time when people were calling out, but I kind of resented this one because she had made me get all worried about her and stuff.
16. goombadinner was dealing with two very opposite ends of the spectrum.
Grocery store manager here: I once had a girl that didn’t show up one day, and late the day after until I saw her bruises…. nothing crazy just one on her face and neck (that I saw) I ask wtf happened and she starts crying and said her dad had beat the shit out of her in a fight she was having about her newborn daughter. Girl was an absolute sweetheart and I offered to help her out and even stay at my house if needed, she refused and quit the following week without notice. I hope she is doing alright. On the flip side, had another girl call in and say she’ll be late. I say no problem, we’re not busy. She gets there and I mildly inquired what happened… “omg there was a sale I couldn’t walk away from at Platos closet…. I’ve been there all morning!” My face must have been priceless.
TL;DR- one girl couldn’t walk away from her sale one got beat up by her dad, the fuck…
17. miz0909‘s employee might have become a sugar baby.
I heard a lot of excuses while managing a sports bar last year. The best and most understandable was when one of my servers called to tell me they met a loaded music producer at a party the night before, they fell in love/hooked up, and she was at a BMW dealership picking out a new car he was paying for. I was very skeptical. She never worked another shift but did stop by a few weeks later to show off the car and registration in her name.
18. lungbong received a prisoner’s one phone call.
I used to answer the management line as I worked the night shift and people would call in early to say they weren’t in. There were lots of people who’d clearly been on a night out and got in at 5/6am and just call in sick. The best though was a guy whose conversion went like this.
“it’s Bob (he wasn’t really Bob) I’m not going to be in today can you let my manager know?”
“Yeah sure, what’s the problem?”
“I’m in jail, they’ve got the wrong person, they should’ve arrested my brother but they don’t believe I have a twin. I’m using my one phone call to let you know I probably won’t be in”
19. BoboLuck couldn’t even be mad at this employee.
I was a supervisor of an early shift(3-9am) and the oldest guy(early 50’s) strolled in a half hour late. All he said was “Sorry boss. The wife was horny and I couldn’t pass it up!” Everyone loved that guy so we obviously let it slide.
20. mike_b_nimble‘s employee thought he was real clever.
Background: I used to live in an very rural area. The worst excuse I ever heard was this 17yo kid who had his friend call in claiming to be his uncle, to say that he was needed at home because the cows had gotten out and needed to be rounded up. The manager that took the call told the employee: “I don’t believe this for a second, but I can’t stop you from leaving.” He stayed and finished his shift.
21. anamelikenoneother‘s employee’s pants were literally on fire.
I’ve got friend who wanted to go the the beach, so he called in sick.
“What do you mean you’re sick? I saw you 8 hours ago and you were fine.”
“My asshole is on fire, Gary.”