Convinced that 20% of being an adult is just replying "got it, thanks so much!" to emails.
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) August 7, 2017
Coworker: [sees me eating a Lunchable] Lunchables are for kids.
Me: [under my breath as he's walking away] That's some Lunchabullshit.
— Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 10, 2017
What's worse, the threat of Nuclear War or my husband discovering he can still play Hot Cross Buns on his recorder from 3rd grade?
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) August 9, 2017
If people ate pigeon and I thought it was ok but not great and it was served at a dinner party I'd say "Oh just a smidgeon of pigeon for me"
— Caitlin (@caithuls) August 7, 2017
Men, stop feeling ashamed that your nipples are useless! You still have value in many ways
— Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) August 7, 2017
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 4, 2017
turns out that my "i refuse to learn a new skill unless im immediately good at it" tactic is sabotaging my entire life
— rose (@lleuadau) August 2, 2017
until this week my 26 year old sister thought a GIF was a "good internet find" and nothing brings more joy to my life than that fact
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) August 7, 2017
Ads in your mid-20s: "Buy our accurate pregnancy test!"
Ads after 30: "If you're not gonna use those eggs can we sell them to a stranger?"
— Vanessa Golembewski (@vgolembewski) August 10, 2017
Can't wait for the fall when all the trees go through menopause
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 11, 2017
It's 10:30 at night, seems like an ideal time to start watching a prestige television drama from the beginning.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) August 11, 2017
Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) August 9, 2017
A 3-hour Affleck brothers epic about one small Massachusetts town and how the Dunkin' Donuts name change affects each of its residents.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) August 5, 2017
1. going to bed at a reasonable hour
2. canceling plans
— Ziwe (@ziwe) August 6, 2017
Women's magazines: "Love your body but here's 10 ways to lose weight!"
Men's magazines: "YOU DA MAN! Here's some women to look at"
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) August 9, 2017
It's National Cat Day today so I'd better not see any of your disgusting sunsets tonight on Instagram
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) August 8, 2017