The worst crimes committed against denim in 2017

I didn’t realize that we as a society were completely out of ideas when it comes to pants — but, if the past year was any indication, we definitely are.

In addition to being a socially fraught and politically divisive year, 2017 also proved to be a breeding ground for terrible (and highly expensive) denim fashion. I guess if the world is devolving into chaos, the fashion industry has no idea what to do with itself. This past year, we saw “jeans” which amounted to little more than loose scraps of denim, recycled pants dresses, and trousers which took the fashion term “distressed” to a disturbing new level.

Basically: it was a rough year for jeans.

Here are some of the worst atrocities in this category, in no particular order:

1. These thong jeans

New Japanese designer, Thibaut, premiered these “pants” at Amazon Fashion Week Tokyo this year. If you thought having separate jeans and underwear was too much of a drag, then I suppose you’ll probably be rejoicing at this design — if, however, you don’t enjoy using denim as butt floss, perhaps you can join me in attempting to burn all available pairs of these pants.

2. This bizarre jean dress

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It seems that the brand 6397 designed this dress using little more than a discarded pair of jeans from someone’s bedroom floor. If you’re yearning to look like a walking clothes hamper, then allow me to direct you to Shopbop, where you can purchase this dress for a cool $445.

3. These clear-knee “mom jeans”

I feel like Topshop, who is responsible for designing these “MOTO Clear Panel Mom Jeans,” owes an apology to moms everywhere. You see, moms are smart, savvy women, and most of them would not be caught dead in jeans with unnecessary plastic kneecaps, which probably perspire with sweat on a hot summer’s day. (Also, I don’t think there’s an individual alive whose knees are attractive enough to warrant such a flagrant display.) The biggest insult of all is that these are selling for $95 at Nordstrom.

4. These $425 mud-smeared jeans

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The Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans from Nordstrom accomplish so many tasks: 1.) they come pre-caked with mud, so you don’t have to roll around in the pit behind your house anymore, 2.) they cost $425, so you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to do with that extra $400 you had burning a hole in your pocket, and 3.) they’re inappropriate for every possible occasion, so you never have to leave the house ever again!

5. These detachable jeans

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This pair of detachable jeans, originally sold by Opening Ceremony, were somehow an insult to both pants and shorts. Not only did they make for a pretty unflattering pair of jeans, once the legs were removed, they also made for some really ugly shorts. (Hey, at least they’re consistent.) I’m not sure what situation would require you to suddenly remove your pant legs in public (barring some sort of accidental fire), but the good news is that these cost $425, so you hopefully won’t ever need to buy another pair of pants again.

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